Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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