Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
