My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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