I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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