i jhust puked up my retainher.
someone threw a dead crab at me
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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