Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
