Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
