I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My penis needs a shock collar
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
