Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
