at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
