either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
