you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
