the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
