life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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