I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
