This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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