Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
