i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
