Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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