I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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