the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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