I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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