I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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