There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
