ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
