I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Randomize
