i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
