I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
