I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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