I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
