I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
