I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
