he thought i was a dude.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
