Need sex. Gaining weight.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
