Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
