she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
