Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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