My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
