PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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