This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
