I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
