My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
