Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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