I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
