I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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