I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
