So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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