so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
