Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
