the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
